A few years ago, I resigned myself to settling. I decided this, despite the fact that I knew with every fiber of my soul that God was asking me to loosen my grip and release my future and my love life into His care and orchestration.
Mmm, no, thank you, God. I'm just fine. I found a path that that will work just for me. Besides, it's not worth the drama and heartbreak that would surely ensue if I gave it into Jesus' care! I'll make do and I'll be happy.
I am stubborn, but God is patient. Over the next six months, the Spirit steadily spoke to me so gently and patiently saying,
I am the architect and caretaker of your heart and soul—Trust me, child. Give the broken pieces into my hand, that I might make them into something beautiful.
I ignored this sweet, clement voice. I was resolute. I was too deep now to turn back without experiencing the agony and chaos resembling that of a collapsing star.
Then, all at once, I was given clarity to see that my soul was lying in a heap in the midst of the road I had stubbornly chosen. I was exhausted from carrying a weight so heavy. I had no idea why God was asking me to give up the one thing I thought was 'in the bag'... but He was.
"These trials are for the testing and strengthening of your faith—they are waves that wash you further upon the rock—they are winds which waft your ship the more swiftly towards the desired haven. I cannot, Lord, Thy purpose see, yet all is well since ruled by Thee." —Charles Spurgeon
I had little faith. In the moment I realized this, I also realized that when much grace is needed, much grace is given. I needed it—badly. So, to make a long story short, I will just tell you that I let it go. My shoulders felt bare with the absence of my weight. I had forgotten what it felt like to breath.